Reality Check

18/10/10

That was a very hard weekend. I’m not sure whether it’s the unemployment, the fact that I’ve got an appointment for an MRI coming up, so they can look in  my brain and tell me what that stupid tumour is up to or whether it’s just a hangover from my Dad visiting with Lyn and me missing my Mum, but I’m very emotional right now; I feel like I’m losing control all over the place and I do not like it one bit.

And that was one long sentence.

I’m scared. I’m scared that I won’t be able to find a job. I’m scared that the eyesight in my left eye is trying to tell me something and I’m scared that one day I will lose my Dad.

Dr Phil said once that “We control our own reality.” I’d be happy to debate that. Unemployment became my reality when I lost the most rewarding, achieving job of my career. I had no say in that. Major surgeries, 3 of them, became my reality when I was diagnosed with the Meningioma. I didn’t put it in there. Losing my Mum. That’s a reality I was never ready to face. I tried so hard to try and stop that from happening, but it did.

I hear what you’re saying Doctor Phil, but I think maybe you were thinking more about the audio grab than actual reality when you came up with that one.

People who are starving or homeless or abused; animals who are neglected, farmed and tortured; the people who lose their livelihoods and their families in the bushfires, floods and earthquakes - all around the world there is evidence that our reality is often out of our control. What is in our control is how we deal with it.

So, slightly emotionally battered from a weekend of worrying and thinking too hard, I was up this morning, faced with two choices. I can progress today, or not. One thing was for sure, I didn’t want to spend it feeling the way I did yesterday, so “or not” became my only option.

First things first. Review the To Do.

This is what my short term list looked like this morning:

To Do

Call Doctor Sheehy

Job Apps away (followed by a list of job advertisements I’d saved)

Job W

Job X

Job Y

Job z

Gym Session - Cardio

Calling Doctor Sheehy’s office (my neurosurgeon) became the new 1^st priority on today’s list. I really didn’t want to do it. Putting him on that list kind of puts the whole tumour thing back on my list and I’d rather not. But he does need to know about the eyesight thing, so I had to make the call.

Stuff you don’t want to do. That’s called “Eating frogs.”

The nice lady at Doctor Sheehy’s office made an appointment for me to see him the day after I have my MRI so, as she put it, “We can nip it in the bud.” I hope there’s nothing to nip in the bud but there you go. I’ve done as much as I can to deal with that part of my reality for now. Next!

I’ve been dawdling around the job sites for a week now and saved four positions I feel quite qualified to apply for. This morning I made that list more specific, listing the jobs one by one so I can delete them as I get the application away.

Then my cardio session. I really shouldn’t have eaten those peanuts just then. Now I’m no good for fat burning for another 3 hours. Dammit.

Oh well. Nothing I can do about that ‘til then. I have to admit, I did create that reality, but that’s how it is.

And that’s my point.

I believe that we can’t always create our own reality. Peanuts are peanuts, easily dealt with. Unfortunately, the harshest realities are often the ones we never saw coming.

What we can create, is our response to those realities. First, we need to recognise what we can control and if necessary, do as much as we can to manipulate or affect the outcome. Secondly, we need to recognise what we can’t control and let it go.

I can’t control the result of that MRI at the end of the month. But I can make sure my surgeon knows what I’m worried about so we can go in prepared. I’ve done all I can do. Between now and then is out of my control. Worrying about it is wasted energy.

I can’t control that I’m not doing what I love to do and getting paid good money for it, but I can control what I do in order to gain full time work again. The job application is away. I can’t control what the recruiter will do with it. Now it’s out of my control. Over to them. Move on.

I’m still scared. I’m still frustrated. I’m still WAY out of my comfort zone. But as the day progresses, I tell you something else I can control. I can control that I feel out of control, by getting back IN control.

By recognising what I can’t change and letting it go.

By recognising what I can change and deciding what I need to do to change it.

Then by writing a list that requires me only to prioritise it and do what’s on it.

Write it. Do it. Delete it.

Sometimes easier said than done. But definitely always do-able.

To Do

Job Apps away

Job Y

Job Z

Gym Session - Cardio