A List Revelation

15/10/10

Not much life-shifting stuff on the list today. This morning it looked like this;

To Do

1 hour job sites

BARMAX

Washing

Groceries

Bathroom

Gym Session (cardio)

My Dad and Lyn left today, on their way to Brisbane. I was up at 4.30 to take them to the airport and when I got home, I realised how exhausted I was. Mostly because of cost or work or having no regular work to afford on the cost, I haven’t been back to NZ to see my Dad for two years.

Their visit was quite a big deal. My beautiful mother passed away in September 2006. Earlier that year she had come to visit us in Australia. She was not well. The doctors in New Zealand had said there was nothing they could do for her. I’d organised for her to see a heart specialist in Sydney. I was so scared that we were going to lose her.

It was her first visit to our home since we had been here and it was a major challenge for her to get here. By then, she was on a lot of medication. She’d lost a lot of weight. Walking long distances was a struggle. But she was so determined to do the trip and ecstatic when she arrived. I remember seeing her appear at the arrival gate, beaming and looking beautiful. She yelled out, huge smile; “I made it!” She was so proud of herself. Maybe she knew it would be the last time we’d see her.

I also remember her saying when she was here, several times, how much she’d like to come back with my Dad, so they could visit together. Of course, that never happened.

Like all of us, my Dad was lost without her. He had loved her unconditionally for 36 years. I worried about him for a long time after she passed away.

Some months ago, I learned on Twitter, from my niece who was at a gathering where she had just found out herself, that my Dad was engaged to a woman I’d never met.

I was angry. Not at him, not at her, but at how it had all happened… I found myself asking the question, asked many times before and many times since; when do we get to the point in our lives we start worrying about our parents?! Being grown up fully sucks sometimes.

Anyway, my point is, meeting Lyn for the first time and having them stayingwith us was quite a big deal. Add to that, the promise of full-time work ‘til Christmas withdrawn the day before they arrived; I knew it was going to be a challenging week.

The list lived through it. I used it to set simple tasks to stay focused on fitness and the new challenge of job hunting while they were here. I used it to make sure we were good hosts, that they were comfortable and well fed. I wanted my Dad to know that I am happy he is happy. Hm. Another one of those parent / child role reversal observations. For so much of our lives, our parents just want us to be happy. Too bad we don’t try and return the favour sooner.

Something else the list did, that I’ve only just realised. I think it took some destructive emotion out of the week.

Where I might have begrudged the fact I was required to welcome this new woman into my life and into our home, clean and cook and make them comfortable… potentially emotional situations became simple tasks to tick off.

To Do

Groceries

Write menu for tonight

Washing

Where I might have used the excuse that we had visitors to rain check the odd training session, again, there it was.

Gym session

Same excuse fully applicable to job hunting while the guests were here. Admit, I struggled with that, but because of the list, I got more done than I’d anticipated.

BARMAX

Today, I registered for the course and will complete it next week.

All non-emotional, simply worded tasks. Some tasks set to get closer to bigger goals, some just to keep things in order. The objective for all of them is the same. To delete them off the list.

Right now, my list looks like this;

To Do

Gym Session – cardio.

Oh well. 5/6 ain’t bad. Especially since I would rather have spent the day on the couch.

I have to say, I cried when I was writing this today. I cried a lot. Like wailed. The cats were looking at me like “what the hell is going on?”But now, I’m calm. I feel good. Relieved. I’m happy that my Dad and Lyn enjoyed their stay. I’m happy I continued to achieve things for myself while they were here and I’m really happy I got this all written down because it was a good thing to do.

This one’s for my Mum. She was the most amazing, brave, stoic, determined, self-proud woman I’ll ever know. I hope the best parts of her are in me and that wherever she is, she’s proud.