02/01/11
Hm. A brand new year. 2011. What will you bring me?
Oop. I stand corrected, my bad. 2011. What will I bring myself?
The last few weeks have been busy. I’m working part time at a new, local personal training studio and to be honest, apart from the training, my To Do has been quite stagnant. Unchanging for days at a time, only moved by the tasks that are easy to shift; cardio sessions, baking, shopping. And so, while I know I’ve been busy, I can’t really say what I achieved in those last few weeks of 2010.
I recognise the behaviour. Denial of sorts. When I keep myself busy doing stuff that won’t ultimately make a difference to anyone, because I don’t really want to address the stuff that will make a difference to myself. It’s amazing what crap we can turn into priorities to avoid doing something that requires full commitment. For me, anything involving a reality check went into the too hard basket over the festive season.
You know those days when you think, “I don’t know what I’ve done today, but I’ve been really full on busy doing it”? Yeah, like that. For about a month.
Well, there’s no denying that today is the 2nd of January and for someone who is so goal driven I have to confess, while I have a couple of very clear needs on my “I Wish” list, I don’t have any SMART goals written, strategised and deadlined for the New Year. That’s very unusual for me.
That said, while my body has been busy, so has my mind. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and on New Years Eve, I had a bit of a Eureka moment.
Fascinated, not frustrated. Those who know me have heard that before. It’s a mantra that was shared by a professional psychologist and friend of mine and it has certainly helped me put otherwise frustrating situations into some perspective over the years.
There is no point in being frustrated by things, people and situations that are out of your control. Frustration only causes stress on you and makes you the frustration of other people and if what you’re being frustrated about is something you can’t change, then the only one you’re really damaging is you.
That’s not my Eureka moment by the way. I cottoned onto that one a long time ago.
The thing is, as I get older, I’m finding myself permanently fascinated. I have very little tolerance for incompetence or ignorance. Even less for disorganisation, time-wasters and people who don’t do what they say they are going to do.
On New Years Eve, I experienced all of it from all directions – at work and outside of it. Doing the right thing I thought, for no self gain. Handing people opportunities and ideas and in my own time, at my own expense being instrumental in helping make those things happen. And then, being fully gobsmacked when it all became clear on the last day of the year that while I had done what I said I’d do, no one else had done the same. I wanted to go home and do some New Years Eve stuff and instead I found myself making urgent phone calls, writing e-mails, apologising to people on behalf of people who had only needed to do what they said they’d do to make us all way better off.
Am I getting less tolerant with age? Are my expectations too high? On the way home I wondered why I find myself in so many “fascinating” situations. And then it came to me. Call me twit. Call me a sucker. Say it was obvious all along, but late afternoon on December 31st 2010, I finally saw it, admitted it and put it out there.
I do it to myself.
I attract them. I draw them in. Not friends or people who can motivate me or enrich my life. People who I am so different to, would otherwise be strangers if I hadn’t put my hand up. Somehow, subconsciously, I go looking for these people who are disorganised, incompetent and unappreciative and I try to save them. And I can’t. Because it’s just the way they are. And the disappointment that comes with them not keeping up their end of the bargain is all my own doing. Because they never will.
To coin a Dr Phil-ism, “How’s that workin’ for ya?”
Well, it’s not. Quite clearly, with a couple of major projects at least, I’ve been wasting my time. You know how I feel about time wasters. Seriously, I’ve got every reason to be fascinated at myself right now. That psychologist I was talking about before? She’d could have a bloody field day with me.
So I’m not doing it any more. It's not an easy decision for me to make because day to day, I have an almost overwhelming urge to make things happen for other people. But for myself, I've decided. I’m not going to try and help people who won’t help themselves.
It’s not their fault. It’s not their intention. It’s just the um, fascinating way they are.
Financially, personally and physically, I have things I need to achieve this year and quite frankly, most recently, I’ve been too busy distracting myself with matters that are out of my control and completely unrelated to my personal goals.
If I’m so good at organising, it’s time I organised myself. At least I can rely on myself to do the things that I say I’m going to do.
I won’t roll the old To Do into the New Year. I got through some challenges, I kept myself amused, but 2010 isn’t one I’d file under “Triumphs”. The old list has probably got some negative vibes hanging round it. Time to start a whole new document. To Do 2011.
This one is all about me.
