Mindset. And other stuff in my head.

28/10/10

To Do

Gym session – Cardio

Letter & CV ready to go

Dr Depo

List Girl

HTP – Product Summary

HTP – How it Works

w/c 01/11/10

Venue #1

Venue #2

Venue #3

Circular Quay

Receipts to Medicare

Appointment made to see Accountant

Tax ready to go

Clean out kitchen drawer

I woke up this morning very aware that by about 5 o’clock this afternoon I’ll know something I don’t know now. I’ll know the results of my MRI. So, I can look forward to a great sense of relief or... well, I don’t know how I’ll feel if he tells me something I don’t want to hear. I could say we’ll “cross that bridge when we get to it”, but it’s not a bridge I want to cross.

Those who know me can skip this blog right down to *, you know this story. For those who don’t, here’s a rant, just so you know where I’m coming from.

I have a thing in my head. It’s a tumour called Meningioma. It won’t kill me but it does mess with the insides, threatening sight and sound. It would be way better out than in which has proven to be quite a challenge because it’s very hard to get out and it keeps on growing.

My first operation was in April 2006. It was a 6 hour operation. The goal was to reduce it enough so they wouldn’t have to go back in for another 5-10 years. They didn’t get out all they wanted to.

My second operation was in January 2007. It was a 7 hour operation. They were pretty sure they’d done what they needed to at the end of that one.

In 2008, my left eye started making room for something behind it. It bulged forward, interfering with my eyesight and making me look like a lop-sided goldfish. That stubborn bitch was back.

I was very annoyed because I had just spent the previous 10 months training to compete in Australian Natural Body Building Championships. I had (deliberately) gained nearly 20 kilos so I could confidently compete with the monsters that had beaten me the year before.

In October 2008 those incredible surgeons went in again and this time they meant business. They brought in the best, two surgeons this time for a 9 hour operation.

My recovery was apparently amazing. I spent another 4 or 5 weeks in hospital, visited by groups of young doctors and introduced as the “most successful operation of its kind” in Australia. I believe I owe most of that to hard training and good nutrition. As it had repaired the muscle to build new muscle over the previous months, my body saw the operation as another “injury” and set about healing it fast.

Most people say they don’t notice; I think they’re just being nice. My eye has mostly gone back to where it belongs, but it’s still a bit protruded. You know the guy who plays David Rossi on Criminal Minds? Joe Mantegna? Yeah, like his eye. I often wonder if he has a Meningioma.

The nerves on the left side of my head are confused. I can poke myself in my left top lip, nose or cheek with a toothpick and feel nothing. Dentists can go to town on my top left gum, I don’t need anesthetic. I can feel my nose by rubbing my cheek. And if I have an itch on my top left forehead, I can relieve it, by scratching the back of my head. My left forehead doesn’t move at all. It’s flat. No worry lines there. Every three months when the Botox wears off, I can independently raise my right eyebrow just by looking surprised.

Mostly I can be funny about it. But sometimes, when fate is messing with your face… well, I have my moments.

* So, exactly 2 years after my last operation, I’m heading back to St Vincents to review my head. Last year was all good, no changes; fingers crossed, nothing’s changed again.

The thing is, my eyesight has been a bit weird over the last couple of months. Maybe I’m being paranoid. Maybe it’s just a symptom of me worrying a lot lately about work and the future; having more time to think about it, more time to cover up my right eye and self-test. I hope so.

I’m not asking for sympathy here. I’m not trying to show you I am Wonder Woman. I watch the news and shows like RPA and know that people are dealing with far greater challenges. The world is full of amazing heroes and fighters.

What I do want to share is how goal setting and focus has been an anchor in my life. Prioritising, achieving and regular reality checks have seen me emerge through some stinky crap. Without focus, I'm pretty sure, I'd still be underneath it.

Whatever happens today, my short term list won’t really change. Worst case scenario, I’ll have to add to it. Life changing operations do tend to make you reassess what's really important. But at the end of this day I’ll still need a job. I’ll still need to have prepared a new CV with my new certificates and visit the venues I’ve identified for potential employment. My fitness and body shape will still be important to me, I’ll still have cardio and weight sessions to do and smart food choices to make. Bills to pay, people to see, cats to feed.

Even when life stops us in our tracks, life carries on.

That said, I absolutely acknowledge that mindset impacts us greatly. If it’s not great news tonight, then it’s very likely my current motivation will stop mid-list. I might not feel like cooking or exercising or writing this stuff down. So I’m doing it now.

A lot in our lives is out of our control because unfortunately, we are not the sole manipulators of our own reality. Life surprises us, sometimes our bodies defy us and often, other people disappoint us. Our focus needs to be on those things we can control. Keep ticking them off and progress, so that when something unpredictable happens, we’re more prepared to deal with it – emotionally and physically.

I might have a funny face, but in the end, I’m the same as you. I have challenges to meet, skeletons to drag out of the closet and stomp on and things I want to do. So do you.

It’s not what happens to us, it’s how we deal with it. Decide what you can control. Put it on a list; in your head, on your phone, on a piece of paper. Do it. Delete it. Move on.