Self Sabotage

08/11/10

Monday. I would seriously rather be begrudgingly going to work today; pissing and moaning about how fast the weekend went than not having the option.

Blame the alcohol I drank on Saturday night or the rather extended Free Day I had over the weekend, both no doubt symptoms of me trying to make myself feel better, but boy do I feel unmotivated to do anything today. My want to lie down on the couch and watch crap TV multi-tasking with feeling sorry for myself is quite powerful.

I think I’ve talked about self sabotage before. I don’t know whether it’s unique to certainly personality types or a common indicator of anxiety or depression, but if I am to honestly assess how I’m feeling right now and how I got here, I did it to myself.

Towards the end of last week I was on quite a positive roll. A couple of positions very suitable to my profession and qualifications had come up, I’d got both applications away and had already interviewed for one of them. Work on some of my long term personal projects (great ideas you wished you’d followed through) were underway and I was stoked to have received positive feedback from a potential supporter.

Listing had kept me constructive; I’d had a good week of training, the groceries were done and home-life well organised.

I think I went into the weekend with some weird idea that I should reward myself because I’d got quite a lot done. Maybe I was looking for an excuse to escape my real concerns; either way, the celebrations started on Friday night and didn’t finish until about 1 o’clock on Sunday morning.

It doesn’t make sense. Following a big Saturday of food and alcohol, I didn’t feel so good yesterday. Then, I set about doing two things that could only make me feel worse. I didn’t move around a lot and so, didn’t get much done… and I ate a lot of stuff I wouldn’t normally eat on a Sunday, because I wasn’t feeling so good.

Today, I still don’t feel so good. What a shock. My energy levels are low and I feel FAT. It’s a beautiful day outside, an ideal day to put on my face and go wandering round the local establishments, meeting some people and delivering my hospitality CV but I’m not in the frame of mind or quite frankly physically confident enough to go out there and do it today.

I totally sabotaged myself. What a stupid girl.

I told you I wasn’t frikken Wonder Woman.

To get myself back on track again, there’s only one thing I can do. Return to the list. I’m using the Up Down strategy so I can look forward to easy stuff between frogs.

Today’s short term list looks like this;

To Do

Hospitality Apps – away to all saved on Seek

List Girl

Baking

Review all job sites / search'n'save

Gym Session – cardio

Cat Food Mission

Call Doctor A to confirm referral letter to Dr B

I don’t know how much I’ll get done today, but whatever I do, it’ll be more than I feel like doing or that the rest of me wants to do right now.

Self sabotage – I’ve seen it in friends, family and people I’ve managed in the past. I think unconsciously a lot of us do it; put something in the way of ourselves so that we have an excuse about why we’re not moving forward or taking responsibility. It’s a classic excuse maker for weight loss and exercise goals, for professional advancement and in our personal lives.

“I can’t because…”

“I didn’t because…”

“I wanted to, but…”

If you ever find yourself delivering that kind of reasoning, to yourself or to someone else, and the bit that follows the “because” or the “but” was something completely within your control…*

Oh, just a quick side note while I’m here. Eating something you shouldn’t have eaten is never someone else's fault. Unless they pulled your mouth open, put a gun to your head and forced it down your throat, threatening to kill your family or a loved pet, no one can make you eat something you don’t want to eat. Just saying.

* … then it’s very likely self sabotage. If you’re doing it to yourself ask WHY?! Why am I stopping myself from moving forward?! Try and identify the key reason thing in its most simple, honest, form. Know the difference between the symptom and the reason:

The symptom is I drank a lot and ate a lot this weekend

The symptom is I don’t feel so good today

The symptom is I’m not in the mood to go out today and be positive and energetic

The reason is…

Maybe it’s because I’m scared that my professional career of 20 years may end up behind a bar serving the customers I used to be.

Identify the real reason for your own self-sabotage, think about what you need to do to fix and put it on the list.

That’s what I need to do today.